I have never been a religious man. I don't believe in god and I think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. I have tried to make this whole faith thing make sense and it never does. Some people would say "It doesn't have to make sense because it's the word of GOD and GOD has a plan and who are you to question the word of GOD?" Well why the hell not!? I question everything. What's the use of having free will if you're not going to use it.
People are always saying that the Bible says.... blah, blah, blah about blah and you shouldn't do blah. I wouldn't have a problem with this this if these very same people walked the walk and talked the talk but they seldom do. Hell they never do. Let me give you a few examples of things that practically never come up when I'm being condemned to hell.
In Leviticus 19:27 it says don't cut your hair or shave your beard
I have the most unruly hair know to man. It grows in funny and not the good kind of funny either. I'm talking about that kind of funny that makes you want to cross the street if you see me walking toward you on the sidewalk. Now, I'm no stranger to a comb. I've owned many combs over the years, big ones, small ones, metal ones and plastic. They all put up a good fight for a while but not one has ever been able to win the battle against my formidable mane. Remember the scene in Terminator 2 where the T-1000 gets shot in the head and it looks like it's about to fall off and 3 seconds later it's back to it's original state, good as new? That's my hair! You know how superman stands in the wind, red cape majestically waving in the breeze behind him. That's my hair! You know how when you miss that curve in the road and you hit that giant oak tree and your car bounces off and it's totaled and you're lucky to be alive. That's my hair! Why shouldn't I be able to cut it if I want to? It is my hair GOD damn it!
In Exodus 28:42-43 it says that priests must wear special undergarments when they approach the alter, lest they die of guilt.
Funny story! When I was in my early 20's I saw this guy in a bar. He was hot in a geeky kinda way. I went over and started talking to him. After many cocktails and an hour or two of not so subtle flirting we decided that it was time to take this show on the road and the road led right to his place, specifically to his bed room. He had a porn collection that would rival any video store back room and he was really into safe sex. He had a cornucopia of condoms right next to his bed and an industrial size bottle of lube with a pump on it that would dispense handfuls at a time. When he took of his pants I could help but marvel at how well he looked in his Calvin Klein underwear. So, later, after a couple of handfuls and 2 or 3 condoms, the sun was up and he had to drop me off and get back and change because he had to go to the church and make sure that everything was set up for the wedding he had to perform latter that day.
He called me a week later for a return engagement. Those Calvin's really were special undergarments. You have my word on it and to the best of my knowledge he's still alive. If he isn't I'll bet you money it wasn't guilt that killed him!
In Deuteronomy 23:1 it says that if you are wounded in the testicles, or have your penis cut off you can not get into the congregation of the lord.
When I was in the 5th grade we used to play dodge-ball during recess and there would always be some sick fuck on the other team who would take a break from aiming at your head and aim at your other head. I could usually avoid these sorties on the family jewels, but on those occasions when that speeding red ball of pain made contact with James and the giant peaches, that was it for me. Game Over. If I had know then what I know now I would have played tag instead. It doesn't really matter now because I don't think I would have like being a part of that congregation anyway. Have you seen the people in that congregation? I don't like spending ten minutes on the subway with them. I couldn't imagine an eternity.
In Leviticus 24:13-16 it says that if you blaspheme you MUST be stoned to death!
I should have been killed a thousand time over for that one. Jesus Fucking Christ (see I just did it again) don't you think that's a little extreme? I like my name as much as the next guy, but a stoning, REALLY? I've gone off on some people for some stupid shit, but I have never taken it to that level. I know it can be hard sometimes when you come from a single parent family but you have to deal with it like everybody else. I'm just saying that maybe GOD needs to get some therapy, attend an anger management course and relax with a fat spliff.
This much I know. According to the Bible I'm going to HELL. Chances are really good that you'll be there too. So start learning to like me now because we could be neighbors.
Thank GOD, I'm an atheist!
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