Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Who are the people in your neighborhood part 2


From New Orleans it was off to Lego Land. No, not the amusement park, the other one. That other city with plastic people who don’t look like real people and live in a world of imagination, Los Angeles. Los Angeles, where the only thing between you and your favorite celebrity is your coke dealer. That is unless he or she happens to be on the wagon this particular week. Then all you have to do is go one of the anonymous 12 steps meetings where you can have a face to face,but only if they look YOU in the eye and make contact. 

I lived in Los Angeles for about five years and I rarely saw any of my neighbors. I would see them coming and going to work and that was it. I could run into one of my old neighbors right now and not know it.

You know how everybody always says New Yorkers are rude. New Yorkers are not rude we’re in a hurry, we’re direct, we’re blunt and we’re not going to co-sign your bullshit. People from Los Angeles, Angelenos as they’re called, they’re rude. They will lie, cheat and steal and that’s just to get a good seat at a restaurant. The truly amazing  thing is that they all sound so sincere and honest and look so good doing it. Often it’s not until you get home and have had a chance to think about it do you realize that they have just sold you a big piece of shit in a pretty blue box with a bow on it. You thought that you had stepped in something but...

Anyway, in some places it’s all about the neighborhood you live in or the car you drive or what you do or how much money you make, except in L.A. it’s all these things and more. The more, is what did you take to get here. Everybody is looking for the fastest way to get where ever the hell it is they have to go. There is always traffic no matter what time of day, literally. 3am, 8am, 12 noon, 4pm the second coming of Christ It’s all the same. It used to be that it took half an hour to go just about anywhere. The traffic flew bye at 75 miles per hour and nearly bumper to bumper considering the the speed you were traveling at. Now you’re lucky if you can pull out of the driveway in half an hour.

The last time I went grocery shopping in L.A. I had this feeling, this funny feeling. I couldn’t tell what it was but it was there. I looked around several times and then it hit me, there were no fat people in the entire store. Everyone was thin... well thin compared to the rest of America and definitely better looking than the rest America. But as beautiful as these people were, they were as smart as a box of rocks (I’m no rocket scientist and everyday I thank the people at Apple for the spell check on my MacBook). 


I think they must keep all the smart people of Los Angeles sequestered away somewhere and only let them out on special occasions. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe that’s just what I’m saw. Who knows? I could be wrong about the whole thing, but I don’t think so.

I went to San Francisco and all I got was an infection. San Francisco is like a beautiful woman with a dirty face and wearing worn out clothes. Everything looks  great just don’t look to closely. The people of the city by the bay would have you to believe that they are enlightened and progressive. The truth is closer to “ Trust me we know whats best for you and you should be doing things OUR way because the way you’re doing it, is wrong! “.  

There are all these great organic farmers markets every where you look in San Francisco. It’s real easy to eat healthy there. They make it real easy for you. Only one problem. organic is expensive. Plus there are only two supermarket chains in San Francisco, Safeway (I love Safeway) and Whole Paycheck oops I meant Whole Foods (I love them too) three if you count Costco. There’s only one problem They aint cheap. So if you’re struggling to get by or right out poor you’re really screwed. You’re probably saying hey Mo it’s San Francisco it’s an expensive city to live in and you live in New York City. It’s because I live in New York city that I can say this. There are no less than 8  stores within 10 blocks of where I live and they all seem to be doing just fine. Competition works.

Ok I just took a right turn and this is not about all that so I’m going to get back on track now.

Now where was I? Oh yeah San Francisco, where they wouldn’t dare call me nigger to my face but they will say no blacks, latinos or Asians in a personal add follow it up by saying “no offense”. So I guess that makes it all ok, right? If you live in San Francisco, no offense.

If I told you that I have done enough drugs to kill 11 elephants 25  times that might be an understatement. Now, having said that, I have never seen so much casual drug use  in my life as I have seen in San Francisco. One day I was walking down a street, it was two blocks from city hall. Hell you could see city hall from where I was. There were no obstructions save for a few trees. It was the middle of the day. There was a woman in front of me. She sat down on the sidewalk, reached into her purse, pulled out a syringe and shot up. Right there on the sidewalk. It was the middle of the day in the middle of the week and you know what? Nobody cared. It was business as usual. 

Just like the the homeless people on Market Street who sleep in doorways every night of the week, business as usual. I know, I know, there are homeless people in every large city and the have to sleep somewhere. Yeah I get it. But did you know that Market Street, especially lower Market Street is one of the biggest tourist attractions in the region? Did you know that the City of San Francisco warehouses a lot of it’s poor within about 10 blocks of down town? Hey it’s not that bad  that if you live in San Francisco. Most residents of San Francisco don’t live any where near downtown so they never have to see it. Just the 16 million people who visit do and that’s progressive and enlightened. To the folks over at Progressive insurance, no offense.

I did it it again. Sue me.

Have ever had the luxury of watching someone high on heroin try and stand up straight?  Do you remember the old television commercial for a toy called a Weeble? The tag line was Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down. Well when you’re really high on heroin you’re the Weeble. I saw this one guy outside a shelter in San Francisco. He  was in full nod. He was feeling no pain. I found a good spot where I could enjoy the view and waited for the show to begin in my head. What’s the show you ask? 

WILL HE FALL?

HOST:  Good evening ladies and gentlemen I’m your host BUZZ KILLINGTON and welcome to WILL HE FALL? Will he fall is the game show were we troll  around downtown looking for people high on heroin and record their every move for your entertainment. Then we ask you WILL HE FALL? Since most junkies don’t fall  your chances of winning something would be really good. So we stacked the deck in your favors to make things interesting. We’ll show you snapshots of 25 different junkies. One of the 25 will fall in 5 minutes. You choose one out 25 and bet on wether or not he will fall. You’ll start out with a bank of $10,000. If you bet he doesn’t fall  you will lose $1,000 for every stumble $2,000 every time a body part that is not his foot touches the ground or grabs something for support. You can cash out anytime after 3 minutes and go home. Now if you bet that he falls, you will still still lose $1,000 for every stumble and $2,000 every time a body part that is not his foot touches the ground or grabs something for support and you can still cash out any time after 3 minutes but if your guy does fall you will win $1,500 for every stumble and $3,000 every time a body part touches the ground that is not a foot or grabs something for support and we will double you bank making it $20,000. Now this is where things get interesting. You can keep on playing but you if lose the next game you lose half of the  money you won. But if you win we will double it. If you win 3 games we will triple your bank and you get to come back to play against other WILL HE FALL? champions and a chance to win $500,000. Let’s begin.

In my head I won $17,000 that night.


Well I guess that's it. Those were the people in my neighborhoods. Some were good, some not so much but all were interesting and I wouldn't change a thing......


Okay I'm lying. I'd change a lot  


 

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