You wanker!

       I do it. You do it. Everybody does it or has done it at least once in their life. There are times when I might do it three or four times a day. I've done it at work, at the movies, in the park, on a train and on a bus. The thing is, nobody ever really wants to talk about it, not in private, not in public and sometimes not even to themselves, until now. MASTURBATION. It is the a great way to relieve stress, it alleviates sexual frustration and is a great way to kill some time on a rainy Saturday afternoon.

   

       Some people look down on this. They call it self abuse. I think it's only abuse when you've done it so much that James the giant peaches are bruised beyond recognition and they're sore to the touch. When things get that bad it's time to call a doctor, a therapist and a psychiatrist. The doctor will check you out to make sure that you haven't crippled James for life. The psychiatrist will give you a pill or three to help get that O.C.D. in check and last but not least the therapist will help you get to the root of, whatever the fuck is wrong with you. When it gets that bad there are probably several things wrong upstairs and rubbing one out is just the physical manifestation of those underlying mental issues.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9kkg20NI-8Y  
      I would like to share with you a few of the things I've learned about MASTURBATION.

Masturbation Myths

By Denise Witmer, About.com Guide

Myth
It's more acceptable for boys to masturbate than girls.

Fact
It's natural for boys and girls to masturbate - both do it.

Myth
A child who masturbates has been exposed to sexual information that is not appropriate for his/her age.

Fact
From birth, children explore their bodies by touching. They learn this feels good. Showing knowledge of sexual acts besides masturbation could mean they've been exposed to inappropriate sexual information.

Myth
Masturbation causes acne or loss of eyesight.

Fact
This oldie but goodie probably ties to the fact that teenagers generally start masturbating around the same time puberty hits, which is also the time of acne and when many teens get glasses.

Myth
Masturbation causes sexually transmitted diseases.

Fact
In order for a disease to be 'transmitted', you need two people. Mutual masturbation is actually taught in some sex education courses as a way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases.

Myth
Masturbation causes hair to grow on your palms.

Fact
About 98% of adults have reported that they've masturbated at some time in their lives. I don't know anyone with hair on their palms. How about you?

Myth
Teenagers shouldn't masturbate often, as they will lose the ability to have children.

Fact
Teenagers will tend to masturbate more often than adults as their hormone levels are at the highest they will be in their lifetime. Remember to knock when their door is closed - and don't worry - they will still be able to give you grandchildren. 

       So weather you peal the banana or beat the beaver it's healthy natural fun when done in moderation and if you get it on video you can make some money in your spare time. I won't judge you, just the quality of your video.

Fore the Bilbe tells me so.

       I have never been a religious man. I don't believe in god and I think the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. I have tried to make this whole faith thing make sense and it never does. Some people would say "It doesn't have to make sense because it's the word of GOD and GOD has a plan and who are you to question the word of GOD?" Well why the hell not!? I question everything. What's the use of having free will if you're not going to use it.

       People are always saying that the Bible says.... blah, blah, blah about blah and you shouldn't do blah. I wouldn't have a problem with this this if these very same people walked the walk and talked the talk but they seldom do. Hell they never do. Let me give you a few examples of things that practically never come up when I'm being condemned to hell.

       In Leviticus 19:27 it says don't cut your hair or shave your beard

       I have the most unruly hair know to man. It grows in funny and not the good kind of funny either. I'm talking about that kind of funny that makes you want to cross the street if you see me walking toward you on the sidewalk. Now, I'm no stranger to a comb. I've owned many combs over the years, big ones, small ones, metal ones and plastic. They all put up a good fight for a while but not one has ever been able to win the battle against my formidable mane. Remember the scene in Terminator 2 where the T-1000 gets shot in the head and it looks like it's about to fall off and 3 seconds later it's back to it's original state, good as new? That's my hair! You know how superman stands in the wind, red cape majestically waving in the breeze behind him. That's my hair! You know how when you miss that curve in the road and you hit that giant oak tree and your car bounces off and it's totaled and you're lucky to be alive. That's my hair! Why shouldn't I be able to cut it if I want to? It is my hair GOD damn it!


       In Exodus 28:42-43 it says that priests must wear special undergarments when they approach the alter, lest they die of guilt.

       Funny story! When I was in my early 20's I saw this guy in a bar. He was hot in a geeky kinda way. I went over and started talking to him. After many cocktails and an hour or two of not so subtle flirting we decided that it was time to take this show on the road and the road led right to his place, specifically to his bed room. He had a porn collection that would rival any video store back room and he was really into safe sex. He had a cornucopia of condoms right next to his bed and an industrial size bottle of lube with a pump on it that would dispense handfuls at a time. When he took of his pants I could help but marvel at how well he looked in his Calvin Klein underwear.  So, later, after a couple of handfuls and 2 or 3 condoms, the sun was up and he had to drop me off and get back and change because he had to go to the church and make sure that everything was set up for the wedding he had to perform latter that day.

       He called me a week later for a return engagement. Those Calvin's really were special undergarments. You have my word on it and to the best of my knowledge he's still alive. If he isn't I'll bet you money it wasn't guilt that killed him!

       In Deuteronomy 23:1 it says that if you are wounded in the testicles, or have your penis cut off you can not get into the congregation of the lord.

       When I was in the 5th grade we used to play dodge-ball during recess and there would always be some sick fuck on the other team who would take a break from aiming at your head and aim at your other head. I could usually avoid these sorties on the family jewels,  but on those occasions when that speeding red ball of pain made contact with James and the giant peaches, that was it for me. Game Over.  If I had know then what I know now I would have played tag instead. It doesn't really matter now because I don't think I would have like being a part of that congregation anyway. Have you seen the people in that congregation? I don't like spending ten minutes on the subway with them. I couldn't imagine an eternity.


        In Leviticus 24:13-16 it says that if you blaspheme you MUST be stoned to death!

       I should have been killed a thousand time over for that one.  Jesus Fucking Christ (see I just did it again) don't you think that's a little extreme? I like my name as much as the next guy, but a stoning, REALLY? I've gone off on some people for some stupid shit, but I have never taken it to that level. I know it can be hard sometimes when you come from a single parent family but you have to deal with it like everybody else. I'm just saying that maybe GOD needs to get some therapy, attend an anger management course and relax with a fat spliff.

       This much I know. According to the Bible I'm going to HELL. Chances are really good that you'll be there too. So start learning to like me now because we could be neighbors.

       Thank GOD, I'm an atheist!

Hey brother could you spare a dime?

       I like to keep things light on here but sometimes I have to get serious. This country is in trouble and I don't think things are going to get better anytime soon. If you've followed me here from Facebook you may remember this July 4th status update.

"Good morning America! You're 235 years old and it's time for you to grow the fuck up. Seriously, how do you let yourself get $14,500,000,000,000 in debt? You keep running to the Chinese every time you run out of cash. You do know you have to pay that shit back, right? It's not like you can move back in with your parents when they foreclose on you. Tomorrow I want to talk to you about your children. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

         There are 48million people in America who receive monthly Social Security or disability benefits. The overwhelming majority of those receiving these benefits are senior citizens  and people with disabilities.  These benefits account for most if not all of their income. They are some of the most vulnerable in our society and are  the most likely to live in poverty. Yet our government had chosen to use them as pawns and scapegoats in a battle over financial solvency. Totally disregarding the fact that they are responsible for our nations Titanic debt.

       When I was a teenager the national debt was just over $25,000 per taxpayer.  Now that sum has ballooned to over $130,000 per taxpayer and what do we have to show for it? We live in a state of fear. We have mediocre healthcare (unless you're rich, then you have the best healthcare in the world) and in education we're not doing much better. In a 2009 study done by the Organization for Economic Co-operation and  Development we are 14th in the world behind; South Korea, Finland, Canada, New Zealand, Japan, Australia, Netherlands, Belgium, Norway, Estonia, Switzerland, Poland and Iceland. We used to have the most educated people on the planet! Now look at us. We got beat by CANADA. To top it all off we're fat too. The fattest nation on the planet with an obesity rate of nearly 30% for all Americans.

       In short we're fat, deeply in debt and too dumb to figure away out of it. Or are we? I believe we know what must be done but we're too lazy to do it. It's time to open our eyes and take a good hard look at ourselves and stop spending money we don't have (government and private citizen alike). Pay off our debt. Read a book. Go back to school. Put down the fork, turn off the TV, log off and get some exercise. Get involved. Get informed. Get in shape. Because there are people out there who don't care about you because you don't care about you and they know it. This is the time for you to take a stand because there won't be a second chance.

       History is judging you.